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Astrology for a New Millennium (24 Jan 2021)

This week we add two new star signs to our lineup.

Biden Inaugurated. Comedy Material Well Runs Dry

The next one of you fuckers that says, "It's just like riding a bike.", is getting throat punched.

Florida Woman Surprised to Find Old People in Florida

Old people? Where? Here in Florida? Get out of town.

Top Five Songs to Inspire You While Struggling with a Cheap Pencil

The Dixon Ticonderoga - there is no substitute.

James Earl Jones Celebrates 90th Birthday by Feasting on Flesh of Younglings

...and then the younglings began to swim slowly toward shore.

Astrology for a New Millennium (10 Jan 2021)

The Grand Beacon is pleased to announce a new column in 2021. Our very own stellar scholar, Danni Dillinger. Danni will be studying the positions of the stars, planets, and seagulls every week and providing you, dear reader, with robust and exciting predictions about your upcoming week. Below is a preview of our horoscopes for two of the...

Ben & Jerry’s Providing Legal Advice Today. Tomorrow Medical Consultations

In other news, General Electric is encouraging Ben and Jerry’s to return to half gallon containers instead of the candy ass 3-pint containers everyone else in the industry is shipping. In response, Victoria’s Secret released a tic-tok that General Electric produced motors would be 3% more efficient if they were to increase the first stage winding ratio to 3.2:1.

Top Five Songs to Celebrate Possible Legalization of Pot

The Republicans lie about using it. The Democrats lie about legalizing it. Let's hope with them controlling all 3 of the bodies required to legalize it, they finally do.

Anderson Cooper: I Like Olive Garden with My Almas and Reserve de L’Abbaye

No one on The Grand Beacon staff actually enjoys Olive Garden, but when we eat there, we’re happy to be family.

Hampton Bay Fans Recalled. Bathtub-Hair Dryer Executions to Resume

They were led to believe by Home Depot that the fans would discourage the behavior. It did not.