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Trump Washes Cast Iron Skillet with Soap. Dems Seek Impeachment

A White House whistle blower released documents alleging that the Trump Family routinely asks for the cast iron skillets in the White House kitchens to be soaked and washed with soap following each use.

Speaker Pelosi insists there is still enough time to launch impeachment proceedings against the president for this egregious action.  Pelosi went on to say, “If this isn’t a high crime and misdemeanor, I don’t know what is.” The democrat-controlled house still refuses to pass sensible COVID-19 relief legislation.

Unable to Lockdown Her State, Gov. Whitmer Decides to Lockdown a Pipeline

After being told to play nice or play somewhere else by the Michigan Supreme Court, Governor Whitmer chose:  Play somewhere else.  The Michigan air waves have been much quieter following the Michigan Supreme Court’s declaration that several Executive Orders are unconstitutional.  The quiet reminded me of the quiet when you don’t hear your children playing, almost as if she were locked in her room at the Governor’s Mansion pouting like a petulant toddler.  Unfortunately, she has found a new target for her bullying, the Enbridge Corporation, and the noise in the news cycle is back.

Whitmer’s office notified the Canadian company that it was revoking an easement granted in 1953 to extend a roughly 4-mile (6.4-kilometer) section of the pipeline through the Straits of Mackinac. The revocation will take effect within 180 days, at which point the flow of oil must stop.

Trump Campaign Helps Establish That Lawyers Have Souls

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Yesterday the New York Times reported that senior lawyers at Jones Day, a high-profile law firm representing the Trump Campaign, “…are worried that it is advancing arguments that lack evidence…”.  Grand Beacon experts are certain that this proves, lawyers do indeed have an eternal soul contrary to popular opinion.

With the news of lawyers expressing potential remorse for their actions and activities readers are warned, in the words of Peter Venkman, to be on the lookout for “Earthquakes of biblical proportions.  Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together!! Mass hysteria!!!

Boating Accidents Surge as Biden-Harris Inauguration Nears

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As the Biden-Harris administration begins to release details of their plan for the first 100 days of their administration, lake traffic for recreational boaters is surging in the cool November weather.  One of the first executive orders planned is to put strict limitations on handguns and semi-automatic long guns.

The increase in boater traffic has also brought an unprecedented number of accidents afloat.  Thousands of boaters have swamped, capsized, or suffered severe listing of their watercraft and lost objects that weren’t secured on deck.  The number one item lost to Davy Jones Locker?  Handguns and long guns.

The Coast Guard, NTSB, and BTAF have pledged to get to the bottom of the issue.  House Democrats are certain that it is due to climate change induced rogue waves and Chuck Schumer is convinced it is a Russian plot.  The NRA had no comment on the issue.

Trump Supporters Postmortem Election Efforts and Determine “We Need More Flags!”

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Following Saturday’s declaration of President Elect Biden’s victory, Trump supporters nationwide gathered to analyze what they could have done to get the ball across the goal line.  Their postmortem analysis uncovered several contributing factors, not harvesting ballots as well as Democrats, not slinging nearly enough mud, lack of a kick ass theme song, and one significant outlier.  Trump supporters discovered that their candidate lost the election because they simply didn’t have enough flags on their trucks.

AG Nessel Imposes New COVID-19 Mandate: No Sharpies Up Staff Butts

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“Stop spreading disinformation and telling our staff to shove Sharpies up their butts.”, demanded Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel during a press conference Thursday.  Nessel went on to point out that these government employees are “…kind, hardworking public servants just doing their job.”  If that fabrication wasn’t enough to set the tone for the remainder of the press conference, Nessel then went on to state, “These right wing conspiracies about Sharpies is ridiculous.  Everyone knows that frozen potatoes are what you are supposed to insert in your rectum.”

America Awaits Her Decision. Locals Enjoy Cookies. A Lot.

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The large voluptuous lipped Donald J. Trump cookie is more popular than the thin-lipped, glassy eyed Joseph Biden cookie.  The Pennsylvania bakery that has successfully predicted the last three elections based upon cookie sales has Trump the winner.

“People keep coming in and buying them.  We have no idea why.  We even had a special request for 2 dozen of them with a hole cut out for the mouth.”, said Kathleen Lochel, bakery owner.  She suspected that with the election so close to Halloween people were going to use them as masks.

In a related story, the thin-lipped Donald J. Trump inflatable sex doll is not selling well.  The manufacturer is still researching market data.

New Provider for Vile East Michigan Scents

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For years the Flint Candle Company has dominated the Eastern Michigan scented luminaries market.  Not any more if the start up, Flint River Candle Company, has their way. Today the Flint River Candle Company released the first scents of its 2020 holiday season offerings.  The Flint River Candle Company is offering scents unique to the Eastern Michigan market: Lead Water Wisp, Legionnaire’s Lullaby, Afterbirth of General Motors, and Abandonment of the Disenfranchised.

Lead Water Wisp captures the foul look, smell, and taste of the Flint River in a portable 24-ounce soy candle.  Legionnaire’s Lullaby releases actual biologic contagions into your air so that you sleep like a person suffering from advanced pneumonia.  Afterbirth of General Motors is made with seven actual carcinogens from automobile plants.  Finally, Abandonment of the Disenfranchised is a creative packaging of the aromas of the citizens of Flint who were left behind by those tasked with looking out for them.Flint Candle Company is committed to using only renewable resources in their candles.  Only natural water from the Flint River is used in the production of their candles with a minimum lead level of 60%.  The finest free range fecal coliform bacterial are harvested for use in the candles and virgin total trihalomethanes are sourced from the Flint communities.

Cameron Peak Wildfire to Gentrification: Hold My Beer

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A Colorado wildfire raced through a section of Boulder County forcing over 3000 from their homes in mere moments.  This wildfire has burned more than 300 square miles since August.  Unfortunately, this is far fewer than the droves of Californians relocating to Colorado have displaced through gentrification of neighborhoods.

Taco Bell Wants to Help Make The Court Supreme Again

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IRVINE, CA – Taco Bell heard the news of one the Supreme Court justices passing.  They felt to fulfill their civil duty they could supply the sour cream to make the court supreme again.

Sorry – My nephew wrote this. – SS