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Cameron Peak Wildfire to Gentrification: Hold My Beer

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A Colorado wildfire raced through a section of Boulder County forcing over 3000 from their homes in mere moments.  This wildfire has burned more than 300 square miles since August.  Unfortunately, this is far fewer than the droves of Californians relocating to Colorado have displaced through gentrification of neighborhoods.

Taco Bell Wants to Help Make The Court Supreme Again

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IRVINE, CA – Taco Bell heard the news of one the Supreme Court justices passing.  They felt to fulfill their civil duty they could supply the sour cream to make the court supreme again.

Sorry – My nephew wrote this. – SS

To Nominate or Not? We Asked a Michigan Teen

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ALLENDALE, MI – With the passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a heated debate broke out regarding the constitutionality of a replacement this close to the election.  The Grand Beacon was unable to contact Greta Thurnberg for her opinion, so we asked a local teen.

Our local teen responded with a shrug.  Hmmm.

Democrats Postpone Marijuana Vote to Avoid Appearance of Pandering to Their Base. Again.

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In a rare display of understanding freedom, the democratic controlled house took up legislation, the MORE Act, to legalize marijuana at the federal level.  Unfortunately, for unrelated activity, the democratic members of congress were accused of pandering.  Even the left leaning Washington Post has publicly called out this unethical behavior.  To avoid furthering the appearance of pandering to young, progressive, voters out looking for their ‘jazz’, the party leadership has postponed the vote.

In a related story, young, conservative, voters stated this was a good move as they texted their cocaine dealers and asked their doctors to refill their oxycodone prescriptions.

Sucker Punch, The Greatest Film not About Boxing but with Secret Dancing Ever Made

Way back in 2012 I needed to watch Sucker Punch for a class I was teaching. My department chair was selecting the movies we had to discuss in the freshman survey classes. Sucker Punch was supposed to be a movie about a hustler, Ray ‘Harley’ Davidson, a failed prize fight manager.  I remember loving Diggstown, the last boxing con movie I watched.  You know the one, with James Woods and Louis Gossett Jr.  Diggstown is probably the best con film made since The Sting.

Well I pop the DVD into my player, and the film starts.  The soundtrack opens with a cover of Annie Lennox’s Sweet Dreams.  Then there’s this fight between an old man and a really young woman.  Huh.  Not really boxing, but I’ll settle for some fisticuffs.  Then it got weird.

What was supposed to be a boxing con film, turned into a dancing film…with no dancing.  I’m going to say that again.  A dancing film…with no dancing.  Whenever one of the characters would start to ‘dance’, the camera would zoom into their eye and then the scene dissolved into a sort of diesel punk fight scene.

Instead of a well-executed con or hustle, there was a, I’m guessing, drug induced scavenger hunt going on for a map, a fire, a key, and a secret item.  Why drug induced?  Because for some reason we are now listening to Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit sung with the same cool inflection they covered Here Comes the Rain Again.  When Captain Bart Mancuso, played by Scott Glenn, lists these items out, I seriously start thinking that the secret item better be something to do with boxing, because this dragon chasing a B-25 isn’t doing it.  That’s right, now there’s a dragon.

Next thing I know there’s an ash longer than the shifty attorney Nathan Thurm brought to life by Martin Short on Saturday Night Live had on his cigarettes, and we see one of the women’s eyes.  Psst…that’s how we know the dance is over.  We see one of the women’s eyes.  Is it really that much easier to get actors with pretty eyes than to get actors that know how to dance?  Does showing women actually dance make the film not interesting to an important demographic?  Do all dance coaches have to have poorly performed Russian accents?

Unfortunately, I was invested.  I kept watching. The weird cast of scavenger hunters, née undancers, had assembled most of the objects.  I wanted to see the final secret item.  Would it be as exciting as James Woods adjusting his tie and telling Louis Gossett jr. to finish it.  No, I’m not going to feel sorry for spoiling the end of Diggstown.  That movie came out in 1992.  Try to keep up Terry Fox.

Let’s just say that it wasn’t as exciting as that.  It was more like there was some leftover CGI of Cylon robots that the undancers started fighting after Captain Mancuso gave the women a pep talk, while the voice counting down the explosion of the Nostromo was babbling about a weapon on a train.  Yes, a train, because nothing’s as hard to find and blow up as a train with a helicopter.  What the hell?  I better check the syllabus.

Turns out there’s at least two movies called Sucker Punch.  I didn’t choose the right one.  This one was a weird fantasy about a group of orphans and prostitutes fighting battles, with comical weapons, in psychotropicly generated surreal lands.  It was made, for lack of a better word, in 2011.And that my friends is why sometimes it simpler just to say, “A dog ate my homework.”

Top Five Songs Not to Play at Your Wedding

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So, you and your betrothed are planning the wedding.  The colors are perfect.  The invitations are set.  You’ve narrowed it down to fish and chicken.  Now you need to decide what will be the song for the bride and groom’s (or bride and bride, or groom and groom, or whatever) first dance.  Here’s my top five list of what not to play, but hey it’s your wedding do what you want.

  • I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2
  • Paradise by the Dashboard Light – Meat Loaf
  • Nookie – Limp Bizkit
  • Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye) – Bananarama
  • Romeo and Juliet – Dire Straits

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

This would be a mistake. I’d chuckle. My brother would chuckle. My wife would hit me. My brother’s wife would hit me for encouraging him. Everyone else would cringe. It’s an excellent song, but no one else would be laughing.

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

In the words of the high bishop, “Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togevur today.” But then that love ends. Sure, it’s about love between to young people, but don’t choose this song unless you want it to be an alegory of how not to live your lives in loveless marriage literally praying for the end of time because being worm food is more apealing than spending another day with this person.

Nookie

Alright. I get it. Something that’s a bit rockin’ for the wedding will get people moving. But no one really wants to see great grandma Alphone walking around with her Grand Mariner cordial chanting, “I did it all for the nookie.” If you just want someting rocking. Choose Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. It’s a better song and G.G. won’t understand the words to embarass you.

Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)

Alright, this one’s a give me. It should be obvious and I doubt it would ever be considered, but there is probably someone out there that thought it would be cute. As in, “Hey all you losers, Kiss him goodbye. He’s off the market and I won.” Yeah. Please don’t play this at the wedding. It would be funnier to play Total Eclipse of the Heart. The Wedding Singer version.

Romeo and Juliet

Just dont. Please. Romeo and Juliet isn’t a happy ending. They both die a horrible death. Alone. I don’t care how beautiful you think the words are. They both fucking die. I don’t think I can be anymore blunt.

Yazoo County Couple Relieved Divorce Allows Them to Remain Uncle and Niece

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YAZOO, MS – After meeting each other on the online dating site, ancestry.com [sic], Pam and Bo Dubois marry and set out to spend the rest of their lives together.  Unfortunately, a lack of skills that could provide financial stability, a mutual love of apple pie moonshine, and IQs below 90 led to marital strife and dissatisfaction after 6 months of marriage.  The couple filed for a no-fault divorce with the Yazoo county clerk.

Although the year is 2020 and Barack Obama has been out of the White House for nearly 4 years, the couple were adamant that this was “Obama’s fault not no-fault.”  They parted ways without further bickering and vowed to get together for Thanksgiving dinner at nan na’s; relieved because the divorce didn’t annul their family bonds.

Hair Dresser: If I Can Spy on the Speaker of the House, I Can Spy on a Jail Cell.

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – This week NBC-Bay Area announced that the Cow Hollow salon that recorded Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, violating mask mandates for her own personal desires, would be closing its doors permanently.  Owner or E Salon, Erica Kious, stated that the environment had become too hostile.

The salon closing is not the end of the road for Kious.  She will be converting the business into a security and surveillance contracting firm almost at once.  Kious discovered that if, in the words of the third person in the chain of command of the United States, “She was fooled and setup.”, she would make more money as a security consultant specializing in surveillance.  Kious will be opening her new company, E Surveillance, immediately.

E Surveillance announced their first customer, the Metropolitan Correctional Center in Manhattan.  The jail where Jeffrey Epstein was murdered.

Beta Radiation Burst – Boy, Gamma Radiation Burst – Girl

YUCAIPA, CA – Jealous of the attention that a couple from Los Angeles was receiving for their gender reveal party, Michael Merriman and Kathleen Robinson upped the ante by detonating a thermonuclear device this past week.  The couple, amateur scientists, decided to build the device in their garage.  If the yield was high in gamma radiation, the baby will be a girl.  If the yield was high in beta emissions, the baby will be a boy.

The couple detonated the high explosive package surrounding the plutonium core as a ground burst at 1830 hours Zulu time.  The couple equipped friends and family with radiation detectors and cloud chambers, and they all cheered when gamma bursts were logged by all the detectors.  The jubilation was short lived as the pressure front and blast wave followed the radiation front by only a few seconds.  Michael was heard to utter, “Oops!” as his lungs exploded from the 65.4 MPa overpressure exploded his lungs.  Unfortunately, Kathleen’s final thought were never heard as the blast and fireball consumed the lot milliseconds later.

It was believed that she was thinking, “Check and mate, wildfire bitches!”.

She Said, “I Want a Tea Party, but with Mermaids.”

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BOSTON, MA – Local Father, Chad Steinway, was heartbroken and embarrassed when he discovered that his only daughter’s wish for a “tea party, but with mermaids” was not the act of patriotic defiance he had hoped.  “I see other kids protesting in the streets with their parents on the news.  So, when my baby girl asked, how could I say no?”, said Chad.

The six-year-old children still enjoyed the gathering and throwing all the boxes in the pool.  They laughed at the father when he dressed as an Indian and taunted, “No Mr. Steinway!  You’re supposed to dress as Prince Eric not Powahatan!”.

Mr. Steinway promised to make it up to his daughter soon by taking her and some friends to see the nice religious musical, “The Book of Mormon”.