PORT HURON, MI – Toilet paper, Clorox wipes, N95 masks, and coins are some of the more prominent shortages of the national economic shutdown. There is a more insidious shortage as the US-Canada border is closed for yet another month: Crown Royal dice bags. Since the beginning of gaming, gamer nerds have used the ubiquitous purple Crown Royal bag as the de facto standard for storing their dice. Not this summer. No Crown Royal means no Crown Royal bags.
Derrick Tooms, dungeon master and collector of collectable action figures, has been depressed of late had this to say, “I’ve been continuing my gathering of dice, but I have no place to store them. My bags are overflowing to the point of bursting. I need to relieve the pressure and spread the dice to new fertile vessels.” Grand Beacon reporters had planned on interviewing other gamers, but they were uncontrollably laughing and not available for comment.
It was suggested by this reporter that the gamers could use Tupperware or Dutch Butter Cookie Tins to keep their dice in, but the thought was met with an odd course of the gamers yelling ‘Ni!’ at me.
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.