Astrology for a New Millennium (10 Jan 2021)

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The Grand Beacon is pleased to announce a new column in 2021. Our very own stellar scholar, Danni Dillinger. Danni will be studying the positions of the stars, planets, and seagulls every week and providing you, dear reader, with robust and exciting predictions about your upcoming week.

Below is a preview of our horoscopes for two of the new star signs that are dominating the heavens in the 21st century. Astrology has been dated to at least the 2nd millennium BC, and has its roots in the religious calendars used to predict seasonal shifts and to interpret celestial cycles as signs of communications from the gods. Many cultures have attached importance to heavenly body positions, and some developed elaborate systems for predicting terrestrial events from celestial observations.

Western astrology, one of the oldest astrological systems still in use, traces its roots to 17th century BC. Contemporary Western astrology is often associated with systems of horoscopes that purport to explain aspects of a person’s personality and predict significant events in their lives based on the positions of celestial objects.

Unfortunately it hasn’t evolved in 500 years since its inception. The Grand Beacon is your catylist to change that with our Astrology for A New Millennium. Look for new predictions every Saturday. Want to know your 21st century astrological sign? Take our Grand Beacon Diagnostic Quiz. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the read.

Anellian

Congratulations on finally abandoning, “That’s so fetch!”.  Accepting that, regardless of how hard you try, you can’t just create words because they feel right, is a fact of life.  Now start culling the culture of your other abominations e.g. Bae, Woke, Shade, Extra, and Tea.  Seriously get on that and stop shopping for a minute or two.  Once you get these five deprecated from the vernacular, you will truly be Fetch AF.  That’s Fetch as fuck for all you non-Anellians.

Trentario

Dude!  This is the week.  This is the week you actually get wings from drinking that Red Bull.  You just have to drink enough of it.  No, nothing wrong with the muscle twitches.  That’s the feeling of the wings working their way to the surface.  Drink a few more.  Yes, right now.  Just think how awesome you’ll look flying around the frat house.  You got this…bro.