Astrology for a New Millennium


This week we add two new star signs to the lineup.

Astrology has been dated to at least the 2nd millennium BC, and has its roots in the religious calendars used to predict seasonal shifts and to interpret celestial cycles as signs of communications from the gods. Many cultures have attached importance to heavenly body positions, and some developed elaborate systems for predicting terrestrial events from celestial observations.

Western astrology, one of the oldest astrological systems still in use, traces its roots to 17th century BC. Contemporary Western astrology is often associated with systems of horoscopes that purport to explain aspects of a person’s personality and predict significant events in their lives based on the positions of celestial objects.

Unfortunately it hasn’t evolved in 500 years since its inception. The Grand Beacon is your catylist to change that with our Astrology for A New Millennium. Look for new predictions every Sunday. Want to know your 21st century astrological sign? Take our Grand Beacon Diagnostic Quiz. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the read.


This is the week that perky little rag-a-muffin at Starbucks finally gets your name right.  You know they do it on purpose, just to piss you off.  In fact, maybe you should take steps to get them moving in the right direction.  Consider coming up with the most complicated drink order possible and then changing it after they key it into the cash register.  Wait.  What?  You do that already?  Never mind.


So you want to be a drag car racer?  That’s a hella bold choice bra.  No need for learnin’ maths, word science, or biology.  Especially biology.  What’s that all about anyway?  You know in your heart that biology is about gettin’ with that hot server at TGIF.  Right the one with all the flair.  So why again are we dissecting planarians?


This COVID shit roxorz!  You get yet another week of never having to leave the comfortable little space right in in front of your computer.  Consider an upgrade this week.  Instead of peeing in the small Mountain Dew cans that litter the floor around your gaming cockpit, upgrade to a 2 litre bottle.  You can even get them to deliver those with your Hungry Howie’s pizza.


The stars don’t look so good for you friend.  It’s going to be dreary and gloomy all week.  It’s almost as if a small storm cloud will follow you around and rain on the parade of every personal interaction you have this week.  Actually, that’s just the way you like it.  Celebrate, or more accurately, commiserate, by listening to The Smith’s first album.