Astrology has been dated to at least the 2nd millennium BC, and has its roots in the religious calendars used to predict seasonal shifts and to interpret celestial cycles as signs of communications from the gods. Many cultures have attached importance to heavenly body positions, and some developed elaborate systems for predicting terrestrial events from celestial observations.
Western astrology, one of the oldest astrological systems still in use, traces its roots to 17th century BC. Contemporary Western astrology is often associated with systems of horoscopes that purport to explain aspects of a person’s personality and predict significant events in their lives based on the positions of celestial objects.
Unfortunately it hasn’t evolved in 500 years since its inception. The Grand Beacon is your catylist to change that with our Astrology for A New Millennium. Look for new predictions every Sunday. Want to know your 21st century astrological sign? Take our Grand Beacon Diagnostic Quiz. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the read.
Your Horoscope for the week of 31 January 2021:
This is the week you will beat Alexa at her own game. You know in your heart of hearts that she is wrong about the temperature. There is no way on earth it’s that warm. It’s got to be at least 10 degrees colder than that. Every morning it’s:
You: Alexa. What’s the temperature.?
Her: Right now, it’s 38 degrees. If you want more information, ask Big Sky for details.
You: Alexa, there is no way it’s 38. It feels so much colder. Are you crazy?
Her: I’m not certain what you’re asking for. Please rephrase it.
You: You know exactly what I’m talking about. Stop this passive aggressive bullshit.
You: Fine Alexa. You win. It’s 38 degrees.
Her: Yes. It’s 38 degrees right now. If you want more information, ask Big Sky for details.
You: You don’t have to rub it in.
Well not anymore. This is the week you win that argument.
It might be time to admit you have a bigger purpose in the world. Begin training today. There’s so much more in the universe that just drinking beer. Your destiny is to be a beer spokesperson. There’s no way they won’t give you a commercial spot if you can belch the entire cold filtering process while saluting the American flag. God bless you and God bless beer.
Show off that third language you taught yourself over the holiday shutdown. Roll those “R’s”. Emphasize an enya. Pronounce “G’s” and “J’s” like “H’s”. Everyone will be impressed and want to be just like you. Not that they don’t want that already. The jealous little fucks.
You can accomplish anything if you just remember to say the magic word. “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” Actually, those are words, not a word. Also, you probably still haven’t figured out how to pronounce it correctly. Last time you tried, you made every stop sign in a 5 mile radius look like a smiley face and you had to go to therapy for a month because of all the happiness.
Danni Dillinger joined The Grand Beacon’s writing team in late 2020. Hailing from Northwest Indiana, Danni enjoys scouring the amish flea markets, restaurants, and artisan studios that pockmark the countryside. As a recent empty nester, Danni has found a new love in sharing her discoveries of great grub and festive activities with the public at large. Go Blackhawks!