Astrology for a New Millennium

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Astrology has been dated to at least the 2nd millennium BC, and has its roots in the religious calendars used to predict seasonal shifts and to interpret celestial cycles as signs of communications from the gods. Many cultures have attached importance to heavenly body positions, and some developed elaborate systems for predicting terrestrial events from celestial observations.

Western astrology, one of the oldest astrological systems still in use, traces its roots to 17th century BC. Contemporary Western astrology is often associated with systems of horoscopes that purport to explain aspects of a person’s personality and predict significant events in their lives based on the positions of celestial objects.

Unfortunately it hasn’t evolved in 500 years since its inception. The Grand Beacon is your catylist to change that with our Astrology for A New Millennium. Look for new predictions every Sunday. Want to know your 21st century astrological sign? Take our Grand Beacon Diagnostic Quiz. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the read.

Your Horoscope for the week of 7 February 2021:

Anellian

Travel.  You know you want to travel.  As soon as this COVID crap has passed.  You should start planning now.  You’re going to need shoes.  At least 3 pairs per day of travel and outfits too.  A wise traveler is prepared with an outfit for every meal.  Skin care products are also a priority.  This is the important planning you need to start now.  If any of those troglodytes start questioning where you are going, tell them to eat a bag of dicks.

Trentario

This is the week to entertain.  Prepare your domicile now.  Lots of beer.  Lots of nachos.  Lots of beer.  No, I didn’t say beer twice.  One is an aperitif, the other is a chaser.  Also consider stocking up on cheese from a can.

Nosbitternyew

Don’t be surprised by that coworker trying to usurp your authority.  You know that you know more than anyone else in the office.  They just need to try to topple the pecking order every so often.  Just stare them down.  They’re all afraid of you anyway.  Stare them down and shake your head.  You know you’re going to do it anyway.

Laslar

Expect a windfall this week.  I’m sorry, but you will win a substantial amount of money.  Resist the urge to feel joy.  You can do it.  You know the old saying, “Unhappy life.  Unhappy life.”  You can certainly exude morosity in the face of complete happiness.