LANSING, MI – With massive revenue shortfalls due to extensive mismanagement by the Whitmer administration, Michigan is facing a colossal budget shortfall for the coming year. After studying the science and data of the February holidays, Governor Whitmer has determined that an immediate consolidation of holidays will help to shore up the Michigan budget shortfall.
Effective immediately, Groundhog’s Day and St. Valentine’s day will be merged into Valenhog’s Day. No longer will lovers exchange chocolates, flowers, and small irregularly shaped greeting cards in decorated shoe boxes. Nor will lay-meteorologists examine the shadow making potential of a woodland rodent for predictions to the severity of winter.
In future Februarys, people will exchange rodents and carefully observe the reaction of potential suitors. Should a rodent recipient repel in disgust at the offered rodent, there will be six more weeks of winter. On the other hand, should a rodent recipient receive the rodent well, spring will arrive six weeks early.Confectionary producers are already releasing bags of small pieces of chalk with NOAA weather messages on them. Stay Sunny, Cloudy Daze, Nor Easter, and Winter Advisory are some of the already planned conversation cloud confections.
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.