Budweiser Announces Alcohol Free Beer, Reverend John Wilson Proclaims, “Victory Mine!”

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Bored People

MASSACHUSETTS BAY COLONY, MA – Anheuser-Busch announced a looming release of a buzz-free beverage, Bud Zero, this week.  Puritan minister, Rev. John Wilson, announced victory in the long game shortly after Anheuser-Busch’s announcement.  “For nearly 400 years I’ve been praying for the extraction of ‘fun’ from beer, and today my sinfully wild dreams have become reality.”, announced the puritan elder.

Sales of non-alcoholic beers have risen 40% this year and the market is ripe for a squashing of fun and frivolity, further enhancing Puritan theology.  Bud Zero brings a crisp taste with an explosion of hoppy bitterness and grain character to blossoming non-alcoholic beer market.  Reverend Wilson and other leading Puritans hope to remove those elements of taste and excitement from Bud Zero in the coming months but recognize ‘Baby Steps’ are the order of the day.  They’ve waited 400 years and another few months is nothing.  “Good things come to those how wait.”, chanted Wilson to his flock.  “Patience is a virtue.”, was the congregate response.