Federal Employees Nearly Riot in Back to Work Shopping

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WASHINGTON DC – It was the most wonderful time of the year for teen aged children across the United States on Monday morning this week.  Thousands of furloughed non-essential government employees returned to work and permitted their high-school children to have the house to themselves for those precious 3 hours every weekday afternoon.

Jan Johnson, teen daughter of a TSA employee, stated, “I was literally going to go crazy if I had to spend one more afternoon with dad there when I got home from school.  He would ask me about my day and make me snacks. He was the literal worst.”

On the other side, workers spent the weekend flocking to malls for back to work shopping.  Other families spent one last weekend at the lake swimming and eating s’mores.

“I love going back to work after a shutdown.”, said Louis Clark, a USDA Employee.  “My favorite back to work ritual is getting a new box of office supplies.  I get to buy new pencils and put papers and dividers in my Trapper Keeper.”

For the fourth shutdown in a row retail profits are up in the week at the end of the shutdown with the surge in back to work clothes shopping and that final weekend of vacation.