CLEVELAND, OH – The Mid-American Conference, MAC, became the first bowl level league to eliminate the 2020 football season after a decision from its member school presidents. Immediately following the announcement, the entire conference roster of collegiate mathletes organized a video teleconference utilizing a 512 bit RSA encryption and let forth their barbaric yalp as they quoted scenes from Dead Poets Society and drank Mountain Dew Code Red and ate jalapeno Cheetos.
“For the next six months we [the mathletes] won’t have to pretend we know what is happening with college athletics. Specifically, football.”, said Walter Billings, “Saying football phrases in a football timber and tone is really exhausting. Mostly physically, but mentally as well. It’s going to be my best fall ever!”
The mathletes wrapped up their conference call by setting a time to reconvene on Discord, an online gaming chat platform, to play Old School Role Playing Games. Unfortunately, Grand Beacon reporters were denied access to the event because, We “didn’t know the air speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow.”
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.