MAIN STREET, USA – Today a shopper at a local grocery store completed a self-checkout transaction without having to wait for assistance from a store employee. Once news of the achievement was verified by staff, the Nobel Laureate Committee in Oslo broke with tradition and immediately awarded the shopper the coveted prize for economics.
This places the shopper amongst the great winners like: Barack Obama – who became the first two-term president in history to oversee U.S. military forces at war for all eight years—fighting in Afghanistan, Syria, Iraq, Yemen, Libya, Somalia and Pakistan. Antonio Moniz – who invented the lobotomy. Fritz Haber – He won for mass producing ammonia (a fertilizer), but also weaponized chlorine gas for the Germans.
Numerous economists around the globe have theorized that this task was a possibility, but it has confounded the best and brightest of our time. Until now. The shopper, Joe, intends to completely uses a tube of Chap-Stick without losing it or sending it through the dryer for his next accomplishment.
WINTERFELL, THE NORTH – Following completion of court mandated rehab for cereal addiction, Fruit Brute began acting and became a member of the SAG, Screen Actors Guild. Fruit finally realized that his obsession with fruity cereals was holding him back. It wasn’t just the Monster Cereal bearing his likeness. He was addicted to Fruity Pebbles, Trix, Fruit Loops, even house brand Fruity Rings.
Starting with small roles he slowly worked his way up the ranks to supporting roles and gained the respect of his SAG peers. He began taking up causes that promoted and advanced the cause of canines in the industry and nation. His particularly vocal stance against NFL disgrace, Michael Vick, moved him to the forefront of SAG and he was elected SAG president.
Then Fruit Bruit got a role to play “Lady” in HBO’s Game of Thrones. He enjoyed the role and enjoyed the company and companionship of Sophie Turner even more. The two have been living together and enjoying each other’s company ever since. They enjoy walking, playing fetch, and even the occasional fruit-based treat that Fruit Brute has learned to enjoy in moderation.
CHICAGO, IL – As the global pandemic moves into it’s ninth month, airlines have suffered tremendous losses. With light at the end of the tunnel, United, Delta, and several other carriers have announced layoffs in the tens of thousands.
Fortunately, the airlines are offering a gracious severance package for those furloughed: Chili’s gift cards and hotel vouchers for the airport Hyatt. Airline spokesperson, Will Westers, stated this is standard procedure and was agreed to by all employees in their terms of carriage when they accepted their positions.
Update: Some airlines have offered to come to employee homes, take their belongings, and lose them for the duration of the layoff. Conveniently returning them once the layoffs are over. Maybe.
While I may feel that my children torture me with some of their choices in music, the United States has a well documented history of implementing audio torture as one of its many tools for enhanced interrogation techniques.
The United Nations has banned the process, but the United States used this practice until 2009, and many many children still practice it on their parents.
Whithout further ado, the top five songs for use in enhanced interrogation:
Oops!…I did it again
The Brittany Spears blockbuster was use by the US on detainees at Guantanamo Bay. It wasn’t the volume that did the detainees in. It wasn’t the duration of the airplay that did them in. No. It was just the insidious catchiness of the songs.
This song was so effective at breaking detainees that other countries started using the technique. Furthermore the British Navy used this song and Baby One More Time to keep Somalian pirates at bay off the east coast of Africa.
Barney and Friends Theme Song
You know you hate it. You know you want to stick a pencil in your ear and spin it in large ovals until the pain…stops. The US actually uses this song on 45 minute loops to train servicememembers and intelligence officers for psychological conditioning. How do you like them apples?
The CIA (probably other TLA agencies as well) used a lot of heavy metal songs in their sleep deprivation phases of interrogation. I honestly don’t get this one. I learned to sleep through Metallica being played at all hours in college when my apartment neighbors would play the …and Justice for All album at hearing loss inducing levels all night. I guess enemies of the state never went to college and lived in an off campus apartment.
First and formost. TIL Dirty is now spelled Dirrty. No on to the interrogation technique. It seems that a lot of the people who find themselves in a situation where enhanced interrogation techniques might be used, also become psychologicaly unstable due to the culture shock from the lyrics to this song. “Oh my virgin ears! I can manufacture IEDs and terrorize innocent people, but the lyrics make me all queasy.”
The Never Ending Story
I honestly have no idea if any agency ever used this song as part of their interrogation. I was just eating dinner at a small diner, The Grand Coney. I was enjoying my eggs, bacon, and white toast and this song started. I think that last time I ate that fast to get the hell out of dodge was at Lackland Air Force Base for basic military training.
The song just scraped on my every nerve like nails on a chalkboard. It wins the list.
BROOKLYN, NY – Long known cynically as Whole Paycheck, Amazon’s Whole Foods announced a permanent online only store in Brooklyn this week. Called dark stores in the industry, online only stores have soared in popularity during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Nicole Wescoe, Whole Foods president for Northeast region explained, “If our customers aren’t spending time shopping in a store or stuck in traffic driving to a store, then they have more time to work and more money to spend on our overpriced groceries.”, during an interview this week.
And no. You still can’t get a simple fucking coke at the dark Whole Foods either. However, there are rumors circulating that all the employees have goatees and the lead corporate counsel is missing one arm. Which is cool…cool…cool.
NORMAN, OK – Four groups enter. One comes out. The battle for the top fear mongering organization has begun. With election season, hurricane season, and flu season all approaching, it’s a triple witching season for the nation fear merchants. With each one set to out rabble rouse the other clearly, “There can be only one!”
Headlines, commercials, and sponsored Facebook ads will be the battleground as the they each try to produce as much fear as possible in this once in every four years occasion.
Surprisingly each organization had contracted James Coburn in his best Waternoose voice to narrate their plagiarized slogan, “We Scare, because we care.”
BURBANK, CA – Following the sudden and tragic death of Chadwick Boseman, Marvel Studios has leaked developments in a talent search to fill the vacant role. The entire production company is still shocked at Boseman’s passing but wants the story to go on.
Early hard fails for the role were Jimmy Fallon, Megyn Kelly, and Jimmy Kimmel. The studio regarded them as no talent ass clowns. Others rejected were Virginia’s Attorney General Mark Herring and Governor Ralph Northam. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was also rejected as a replacement.
In a surprise move, Australian superstar Kirk Lazarus, is in final negotiations for being awarded the role.
ARLINGTON, VA – After demands from China, Russia, and Iran regarding fears of domination the Trump administration ordered the immediate stand down of all United States Marine Corp tank battalions. “They asked and asked nicely, so we are getting rid of the tanks.”, said the Corps’ Commandant.
For some reason, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, immediately announced an investigation or foreign collusion between the Trump administration and the countries. “Why she’s investigating this is insane. We’ve admitted to doing it at their request. It’s a unilateral de-escalation. You know. Diplomacy.”, responded an anonymous source in the administration.
In a developing story, there is a sudden and inexplicable shortage of crayons in China, Russia, and Iran.
SQL=”SELECT DISTINCT CITIES LIKE %” – Less than halfway through the Atlantic basin hurricane season, already using letters up through ‘L’ and the peak of the season is still on the horizon, local meteorologists are virtually panicking in the streets everywhere. Virtually…everywhere. Virtually. It’s a green screen gag. A chroma key caper. A post production put-on. A visual vagary.
Imagine the trusted Fourth Estate distorting the news just to further their narrative. Fortunately, meteorologists are just glorified astrologist and not part of the Fourth Estate. I thank this great nation for producing journalists that would never ever consider distorting the news for sales, ratings, and Pulitzer Prizes.
I’m gonna assume you know how a crossword puzzle works. I’m gonna assume if you live in Allendale you’ll get this. I’m gonna assume if you don’t live in Allendale you might realize how petty we can be.
7) Something parents bitch about because they’ve been locked in their homes. 9) What you need when you need a body disposed of, or a new deck built. 10) What Allendalians consider an air plane following all applicable federal aviation codes.
1) What to eat when you can’t find wild grapes. 2) Word that doesn’t mean what you think it means. 3) Phrase that intentionally doesn’t work in the Allendale Informed search bar. 4) Not a suitable option for dinner when the line is wrapped around Culver’s. 5) Evil corporate entity that you willingly give money to. 6) Thing by Taco Bell you can’t order, but you can. 8) What people will do with you when you call out their bull shit on Allendale Informed, or recycling now. 11) Who to call when you are blown off by the OCSD.
Across 7) Something parents bitch about because they’ve been locked in their homes. [BUSSCHEDULE] 9) What you need when you need a body disposed of, or a new deck built. [CONTRACTOR] 10) What Allendalians consider an air plane following all applicable federal aviation codes. [LOWFLYING]
Down 1) What to eat when you can’t find wild grapes. [POISONBERRY] 2) Word that doesn’t mean what you think it means. [REDUNDANT] 3) Phrase that intentionally doesn’t work in the Allendale Informed search bar. [IPHONESCREEN] 4) Not a suitable option for dinner when the line is wrapped around Culver’s [BABYBUNNY] 5) Evil corporate entity that you willingly give money to. [TACOBELL] 6) Thing by Taco Bell you can’t order, but you can. [QUESARITO] 8) What people will do with you when you call out their bull shit on Allendale Informed. [SCRAP] 11) Who to call when you are blown off by the OCSD. [FAA]