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Top Five Song to Get You to Your Destination


So you’ve got to get somewhere, there’s a song that will tell you how to get there. Here’s our top five songs to get you to our top five destinations.

  • Last Train to Clarksville – The Monkees
  • The Bonnie Banks o’ Loch Lomond – Traditional
  • The Gambler – Kenny Rogers
  • Puff the Magic Dragon – Peter, Paul. and Mary
  • Midnight Train to Georgia – Gladys Night and the Pips

Going to Clarksville?
Take the Last Train

There’s a lot of Clarksvilles scattered about the country. You many not know how to get there, but if you take the Last Train, you can meet that special someone at the station.

Scotland Bound?
The Low Road is Best, but the High Road Will Do.

Who doesn’t want to be in the bonnie bonnie land of Scotland? Well if you want to get there fast the low road is the way to go, but in a pinch you have the option of taking high road, but bring snacks, it’s a longer route.

Need to Get to Nowhere?
Of Course You Take the Train.

Especially when it’s a warm summer’s eve. Not to be confused with warm Summers Eve, but that’s a hole different list.

Honna Lee Your Dream Destination?
You Travel on a Boat with Billowed Sails.

You spent 10 hours in a souless job your hate. The 5 year old has had her third glass of water. You’ve just finished reading the 8th bedtime story to your 3 year old. Now its time for you to go puff your on magic dragon. You know the one. In the empty jar of Quaker oatmeal in the back of the cupboard over the refrigerator. You’re going to make your own billowed sails and chill in Honna Lee. All while not worrying you might have misspelled Honna Lee.

The World He Left Behind?
What Else but the Midnight Train to Georgia

Been there done that. I know LA can bee too tough for a man, but when you go to get out of there theres only one way…You take the midnight train to Georgia.

The New Cartel Led by Orange Uncle Trumppybags


CUPERTINO, CA – Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Sundar Pichai, and Rich Uncle Moneybags have vowed complete and total domination of every street in or around Atlantic City, NJ.  Having dominated their respective tech sectors, the quartet has moved on to real estate.  Inspired by the real estate mogul, Orange Uncle Trumppybags, the quartet has been buying up railroads, utilities, and properties.

All this success triggered the government to step in.  The last time the government went after a tech giant, it was 20 years ago in an attempt to break up Microsoft.  Once again, the bumbling bunch seated in the capitol are overseeing hearing where the legislature accuses 4 men worth about $5 trillion and those 4 men argue that their $5 trillion business are really not that powerful after all.  The hearings ended after the captains of tech convinced congress they were just playing Monopoly and were definitely not modern-day robber barons.

Man Defaces Parking Meters. White Privilege Gets Him into Florida Chain Gang


JACKSONVILLE, FL – A local man, Lucas Lukerson, fed up with the logistical hurdles COVID-19 keeps placing in his path, defaced, with malicious intent, parking meters in a downtown parking zone.  The local patriot placed signs on all the meters stating, “Sorry.  Coin Shortage”.

County Deputy Mark Markerson made a statement on the arrest: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.  Lukas saw a headline about the ‘Coin Shortage’ and took it literally.”  Deputy Markerson went on to explain that the real crime wasn’t defacing the meters, but only reading the headlines.  The penalty for defacing meters used to be the death penalty, but fortunately the police are working on a reduced budget these days.

Todd Advances Feminism 20 Years by Watching Wonder Woman 1984

PARADISE ISLAND, THEMSCIRA – Local middle-aged white guy, Todd, proves to all his friends that he is a great ally and watches Wonder Woman 1984.  Todd passed on a night of Wild Wings and Weck, just to show the receptionist at his office, Vicky, that he supports women.

Tomorrow at work, Todd will conveniently leave his ticket stub on his desk right after he asks Vicky to get him a coffee.  He’ll flash his Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure running shirt and then ask Vicky if she’d like to get an Iced Matcha Green Tea Latte.  Of course she’ll turn him down because he’s a shallow douche, but he will have grown, because hey, superhero movies are cool and teach some kind of moral lesson. Usually.

DNC Staffers Relieved No One is Watching Disappointing Content


MILWAUKEE, WI – Democratic National Committee production assistants exhausted a huge sigh of relief as Neilson Ratings for the 2020 DNC national convention were released this week.  As 2020 unfolds, we continue to be surprised with the world.  Who would have expected that the DNC convention would be so lackluster that the production staff would be so under impressed, that they were happy no one was watching?

The DNC Convention drew 6.13 million viewers on broadcast networks on Tuesday night.  This is a 48% drop from the 2016 numbers.  The lack of energy in prerecorded speeches has dampened the usual energy. With poor performances and lack of substance further exacerbating this decline.

Even Julia Louise Dreyfuss, Emmy winning actress for HBO’s Veep. couldn’t bring interest or excitement.  It’s just not good programming.  The candidates and content aren’t just resonating with anyone.  Repeats of Seinfeld are more interesting.  Reading Faulkner novels is more interesting.  Watching flies fuck is more interesting.

Top Five Songs to Listen to Before Watching Raiders of the Lost Ark

  • Nazi Punks Fuck Off – The Dead Kennedys
  • Dig It – The Beatles
  • Tube Snake Boogie – ZZ Top
  • Union of the Snake – Duran Duran
  • Digging in the Dirt – Peter Gabriel

Radiers of the Lost Ark is a classic. Possibly the greatest action adventure movies ever made. Casting, acting, writing, and especially the score are top notch. John Wiliams and the London Symphony Orchestra nail it. What follows are five songs to remind you of what perfection this film is.

Nazi Punks Fuck Off – The Dead Kennedys

You know how everyone is offended by some songs somewhere? I can’t help but listen to this song and woder if there is a skin head out there, crying in a fetal position, because this classic has offended his delicate sensibilities.

Dig it – The Beatles

Short but sweet. Just like a lot of the beautiful scenes in this film.

Tube Snake Boogie – ZZ Top

Well it really doesn’t haven anything to do with snakes, but Indy hates them and there is a lot of sexual tension between Indy and Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood in the film. So it felt appropriate.

Union of the Snake – Duran Duran

I really don’t know what this song is about. Never have, but Indy hates snakes, so why not.

Digging in the Dirt – Peter Gabriel

Great movie. Great song. Great artists. ’nuff said?

Space Force: Help Wanted – Hackxors and Phreaks

PETERSON AFB, CO – According to the Federal News Network, this week Space Force, Maj. General Crider, assistant to Chief of Space Operations, put out the call “requiring all Space Force members to be ‘digitally fluent’.”  Sh3 1s ch4rg3d w17h cr34t1ng 4 d1g174l s3rv1c3, 3st4b11sh1ng 4 c0r3 kn0w13d93 537, 4nd 9200m1n9 7h3 p20924mm325 4nd 3xp3275 70 p32f02m 1n 732m5 0f d474 m4n493m3n7 4nd d474 m4n1pu14710n.

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Christians Terrified Cuts to USPS Will Impair Delivery of Vital Christmas Cards


CHRISTMAS, MI – The Trump Administration’s decision to cut costs at the United States Postal Service has sparked an outrage with rural Christians.  The exchanging of Christmas cards is one of the three pillars of Christianity.  The other two legs being harvesting of coniferous trees and consumption of egg based alcoholic beverages.  These three activities ensure a very stable religious holiday.

But take one of the legs away and threaten the annual exchange of cards, you’ve got the ingredients for a moral uprising.  Thousands of rural white Christians are protesting cost cutting moves at the USPS.  The only time the vast majority of them use the postal service is at Christmas for exchanging cards.  These rural citizens are intelligent and affluent.  They switched to electronic bill payment, and Venmo like apps for reconciling accounts five years ago.

It’s almost as if the slow, inconvenient delivery method of snail mail were part of the ritual.

Millennials Who Missed Nap Relax with Lunchables After Tantrum


PORTLAND, OR – Today, August 21, marks the 12th week of rioting in Portland, Oregon.  Information has recently surfaced revealing that the majority of the rioters missed their late spring nap and are in the midst of an exhausting tantrum.

Doctor Turntables, a behavior psychologist with a German accent, asserts, “[That] this sort of behavior is perfectly natural for toddlers.  For the youth.  The young have active minds and active imaginations.  They need a certain amount rest to recharge and rejuvenate.  If they don’t get this rest, they become anxious and agitated.”

We questioned Dr. Turntables about possible solutions.  He responded that often a “snacky snack” was the best action to restore blood sugar levels and squelch their anxiety.  For the smaller toddlers a Lunchable was suggested.  For the larger, but no less mature, the suggestion was for a charcuterie board.

Rural Soothsayer Advocates Consumption of Local Children


NUNICA, MI – “Eat local.  Act Globally.” says, Bella Donna, a practitioner of the dark arts and member of the Nunica Coven.  Ms. Donna has become frustrated with the recent main streaming of wiccans.  She recalls a better time when witches were loathed and feared and hopes that by feasting upon the flesh of local children the surrounding community will return to a more presumptive fear and loathing.

“Sure, there are modern artificially cultured virgin meat available on the internet, but it doesn’t meet the standards for the growth of our coven.”, said Donna.  “If we could just get everyone to start eating a local child one day a week, we could make Nunica, West Michigan, and the Midwest a better place for our children…Never mind.”