St. Valentine’s Day. The day that lovers love. The day that romantics romance. And the day that florists make enough money to get their kids braces. The average American spends nearly $200.00, $196.00 to be exact, on gifts, chocolates, and flowers.
I know a lot of you want to blame this on Hallmark. This and those horrible movies on the Hallmark channel. But the origins are much deeper in earth’s history.
With all due respect to Rod Serling, imagine if you will a festival when naked men and women ran around whipping one another with animal hides. (I realize some of you don’t need to image too hard.) The Festival of Lupercalia. Fertility rites were performed, in which naked people were struck with the hides of the animals as priests ran around Palatine hill counterclockwise. This was intended to make the women more fertile and aid in childbirth. After this, a matchmaking lottery was held. All of this took place with the help of a lot of drinking. Clothing was optional for members of the public, and people rarely wore it as a result. Sounds a lot cheaper than the $196.00 for chocolates and flowers.
Then, like so many good things, the Catholics and the Pope screwed it up for everyone. Pope Gelasius I proclaimed it a day of purification and dedicated it to Valentine, a saint killed by the evil, but fun loving, Romans. Yada, yada, yada. Spend $196.00 or deal with a pissed off spouse for the next 365 days. Or even worse, 366 if it’s a leap year. Regardless, here there are a lot of songs to get you in the mood to spend $196.00 for your sweetheart. Especially cynical love (or not love) songs. Here are my Top 5:
- Poison Arrow – ABC
- Too Drunk to Fuck – The Dead Kennedys
- Paradise by the Dashboard Light – Meatloaf
- Candy Shop – 50 Cent
- Every Breath You Take – The Police
It’s the 80s and you’re in love. It’s the 80s and your true love that you just professed your undying love to has spurned you. You need something to play to mourn to. You press play. You rewind the cassette. You cry. You press play. You sob. You rewind the cassette. You press play. You begin to sing along. The cassette warbles. You get a pencil and try to suck the entrails of the cassette back into its metaphorical abdomen. You say forget it and spend $10 in quarters on Defender at the arcade. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Too Drunk to Fuck
It’s the 80s and you’re in love. It’s the 80s and you’re in high school. It’s the 80s and you get alcohol pretty easily as a 16-year-old. It’s the 80s and you haven’t quite mastered the whole drinking thing, because you’re in high school and 16 years old. Well you and your date go to a party and well the next thing you know…Too Drunk to Fuck.
Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Love song…not. Lust song…maybe. Song of eternal damnation for getting your wish…definitely. ‘nuff said?
I’m not gonna lie. I never really listened to this song before working on this list. When I saw that it featured Olivia, I assumed it was a nice wholesome song featuring Olivia Newton John. You know Sandra Dee. Wholesome with virginity and all that. You mean it isn’t? Are you sure? Nevermind.
Every Breath You Take
So many memories of high school dances where the only two slow songs ever played were Open Arms, by Journey, and this one. I always wondered how people could be so stupid. Then I learned there were people getting married to this. What the actual fuck? I can’t think of too many songs that are a worse way to start a relationship. At least there’s like mutual gratification and enjoyment in Candy Shop. Get married to that.
Then I went to college. Then my room mates and I held a party. Then someone put on The Wall. Then I sat and listened to a young lady named Jenny tell me how ‘Comfortably Numb’ by Pink Floyd was the greatest love song ever written.
Then I realized there were a lot of songs to get married to that were worse than Every Breath You Take.
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.