It can be rough out there. Rough and Awkward. You finally work up the nerve to ask them out. You decide on a place to eat; a movie to watch; or a bad to listen to at the local bar. Wait. Your governor has every restaurant, pub, and theatre in the state shut down. So, no dice. So, you do what every other person on the planet is doing. You drive to a local restaurant, get some food to go and drive to somewhere and listen to the radio in the car.
Better plan ahead little DJ. Your selection of tunes could be the foundation of converting this first date into a second date. The true reality of the situation is that there is no right song to play on a first date. However, there are several wrong songs to play. Here are the top 5:
- Smack My Bitch Up – The Prodigy
- Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
- The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
- Fuck You – Ceelo Green
- Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw – Jimmy Buffett
Smack My Bitch Up
As long as your date isn’t familiar with the tune, you’re safe for about the first 60 seconds. Sure the rhythm are driving and kinda get you in an amped up mood, but when like 80% of the lyrics are “Smack My Bitch Up”. What have you got to gain? I’m kinda figuring that best case, your date thinks you’re the bitch and they’re a dom and well you get smacked up. If you’re into it, go for it. But if I were a bettin’ man, I’d pick one of literally at least a million other songs. Even the Barney theme song is a better move.
Look, Stefani has never come out and said what this song is actually about. There’s theories, conjectures, and wild ass guesses, but no one knows for certain. And that my musical friends is what makes it so dangerous. Do you really want to get into an unwinnable argument on the first date? Probably not. So maybe something like Pass the Dutchie on the Left Hand Side is a safer bet. You know what that’s about right? No? Then how about Only the Good Die Young.
The Bad Touch
Let’s be straight here. There isn’t a single Bloodhound Gang song in this or any other universe that you should listen to on a first date. The Bad Touch is probably one of their biggest hits, so I’m specifically calling it out. “Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket.” hardly screams I’m romantic and good parent material. Try again Mr. Coffee.
Ceelo Green is just fine, but at one point in the night you and your date will inevitably end up facing each other and singing, “…and fuck you too!” It’s that catchy of a brain worm. Plus if one of you is a gamer and the other isn’t, explaining the meaning of the X-Box and Atari line is a sure fire ticket to Loserville.
Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw
Because carpool Karaoke will kick in and you will sing along. Admit it the song title is exactly what you want to do. Your date probably wants the same exact thing, but you’re never gonna admit it. Your date is never gonna admit it. So please, for the love of god, don’t sing it.
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.