Saturday a section of California Highway 1, the PCH, collapsed and fell into the Pacific Ocean. Further rain and debris flowing like a river (not to be confused with time) left behind a 150-foot chasm in the scenic byway. With my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, I cheered that the rest of the fucked-up-est state in the union would soon follow, assuming all the people got out.
With shit that causes cancer in only California, cities that don’t enforce national laws, the strangest primary system in the universe, and more loonies than you can shake a non-spotted owl inhabited stick at, California has kind of become an embarrassment of a state. People are fleeing it in droves for other western states. Other western states are frustrated with the Californians bringing their personal craziness with them. A lot of people jokingly wish the whole thing would slide into the ocean.
I’m sure California has a lot going for it. It’s beautiful. It’s a farmer’s paradise (with all due respect to Coolio). The weather is nearly perfect. However, for like the past 20 years of my time on the planet, it’s been a dumpster fire. There are plenty on songs celebrating its greatness. There aren’t many celebrating its horrors, here are The Top 5:
- California 1 – Con Funk Shun
- Los Angeles is Burning – Bad Religion
- I Remember California – R.E.M.
- Going Back to Cali – L.L. Cool J
- My Old School – Steely Dan
This song is so seventies. How seventies? So seventies. I’ve included it because it reminds me of a time when people were actually California dreaming. Now it’s more like California Night Terroring. Yes that is now a word. I made it one right fucking now.
Con Funk Shun drifted from some of their funk roots into a more R&B or soul genre and that’s why I included this song over The Offspring’s OC Guns. Regardless, sit back, chill, and relax to some soothing times when California was a worthwhile destination.
Los Angeles is Burning
This was a strong contender for number 1. To be honest I can’t tell you exactly why I made it number 4. I’ve always found it humorous that The Empire Strikes First was dedicated to removing President Bush (43) from office, while the government of California was committing daily atrocities against individual citizen’s rights.
I Remember California
Another strong contender for number 1. This song more than any other captures my feelings about the state. There are positive memories and allusions to the horrors that California faces and may yet face geologically. It also alludes to the militarization of bays and ports. Stipe nails the mood with both lyrics and delivery. Bravo!
Going Back to Cali
This song just kills. Memories of trips in a rebuilt Air Force bus. Travelling to Vandenberg AFB for test launches. Will I ever go back? I don’t think so.
My Old School
Three words. Steely. Fucking. Dan.There is no substitute. You can’t go home. Especiallu if…California tumbles into the sea.
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.