Top Five Songs to Celebrate Your Failed Resolutions

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we are worm food.

It’s been a long year since you decided to become a better person and failed.  Sure you can use a horrid election cycle and a global pandemic as an excuse loser, but face it, you’ve failed at your resolutions every other year since cavemen had to resolve to cut back on the brontosaurus burgers and cactus juice.Well, it’s the first full week of 2021.  You made some great <eyeroll> original </eyeroll> resolutions that no one else has ever made, but face it, you are so ready to give that shit up.  So, grab some beer, cease to be the master of your domain, eat a churro, and light a cigarette and listen to these Top Five Songs to Celebrate Your Failed Resolutions to:

  • I Fought the Law – The Clash
  • Bartender Song – Rehab
  • Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk – Rufus Wainwright
  • I Touch Myself – Divinyls
  • Semi-Charmed Life – Third Eye Blind

I Fought the Law

This anti-establishment classic has been covered by just about everyone, but the de facto statement of losing to the entropy of life is the version by The Clash.  Sure, you can fight to keep the smokes out of your mouth, but in the immortal words of Cheap Trick, “Surrender”.  Surrender to the smokey goodness of those cancer sticks and live.

Bartender Song

So, you’ve given up alcohol for the new year. lol.  All the lolz.  Go on, belly up to the bar and have one.  You know you want to.  This song makes it even better.  You know you’re not the first to fail.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

I really wanted to use Tempted by Squeeze, but for some reason this song was a better anthem for failing to stay away from life’s simple guilty pleasures.  Plus it’s a song by Rufus Wainwright that wasn’t stolen by radical right wackos.

I Touch Myself

So, you’ve just gone through puberty and discovered the magic.  But you feel guilty, so you gave it up for the new year.  Congratulations, you made it what…twelve hours?  I know you’ve heard it a dozen times, so I won’t tell you that everyone does it.  Watch Big Mouth on Netflix and learn that literally everyone does it.  Then celebrate to this song.

Semi-Charmed Life

There isn’t a song in existence that screams failed New Year’s resolution like this one.  Nor is there a song that so cleverly hides the horrors of indulgence and immediate gratification into a cheery ditty the way that this one does.  Grandmas, your niece, your mom, and even the nuns at your church sing this.  Aren’t you glad I didn’t say that about the last song?  Yup, now you’re thinking about your grandma touching herself.