Winter in West Michigan can suck. It’s cold. It’s never sunny. It’s cold. The wind blows a lot. It’s cold. The roads are icy. It’s cold. Did I mention it’s cold?
So, you’re on day 87 of no sunlight. You have no idea how on earth you are going to make it to day 88. I encourage you to sit back, relax and listen to some music. You might reach for Katrina and the Waves. You might pop in a little Chordettes. You might roll for a little Coolio. But I highly discourage this tactic. The feel-good sounds you think might pick you up, will probably just make you even lower. Like watching commercials about food when you are trying to diet. It only makes you remember what you’re missing. Just. Don’t. Do. It.
Instead try some of these depressing ditties. They will remind you that no matter how horrible your winter is going, there are people who are having a far worse time than you. So bad that they even took the time to write a song about it. Anyone can cut the eyes out of their ex’s pictures and burn all their stuff. But I’m here to say that you have to really hate a person to write a song about how much you hate them. Unless you’re Taylor Swift, then it’s kind of genetic.Regardless there are a ton of songs to remind you of the happy cheery times of summer, but a limited number to remind you that there are bigger losers than you out there. Here are the top 5:]
- Hazy Shade of Winter – The Bangles
- Cold as Ice – Foreigner
- Cold Weather Blues – Muddy Waters
- I Felt the Chill – Elvis Costello
- Snowblind – System of a Down
Hazy Shade of Winter
It was a good song when Simon and Garfunkel recorded it. It was a great song when the Bangles covered it. It was over the top when it was used in Less Than Zero. The film came out in 1987. Was Robert Downey jr. the train wreck he was to become yet? I honestly can’t remember, but the driving guitar, the fast paced convertible scene, the descent into madness that drug abuse brought to the threesome of Downy, Gertz, and McCarthy is depressing enough to make you revel in your snowed in sadness. You may not be happy, but you’re better off then these three schmucks. Enjoy the movie, jump around your apartment to the song and stay off the coke.
Cold as Ice
Again, with the cynical choices of songs to survive a cold winter’s night. Think of it as angry energy. It’s cold that friend and lover has spurned you and sacrificed your love. Yes. Yes, it’s cold outside, but feel your anger. Use your aggressive feelings. Let the hate flow through you and sing a song about that…that…soulless white walker that left you. Please don’t literally feel the hate and march on your ex’s place of business and threaten them with violence because I made a stupid statement in the middle of my diatribe on Foreigner’s Cold as Ice. Love Wins.
Cold Weather Blues
Probably the song on the list that embodies the ever present; ominous; crushing weight of winter more than any other. But…but…but…why would you put a song that embodies the ever present; ominous; crushing weight of winter more than any other on a list to help you survive a cold winter’s night? Because I’m an asshole. And because keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And because Muddy fucking Waters. That’s why. One reason for each of your buts.
I Felt the Chill
Winter’s not just coming. It’s here. You can wallow in the metaphorical winter that your love has become, or you can learn from the wonderful stylings of the great Elvis Costello and not let this happen to you. Brush the snow off your car and the sorrow off your heart and go skiing. There’s no chill when you are zipping down the mountain at 60 mph. I assume you go that fast. I don’t ski. But you should. It keeps you from feeling the chill.
Now we’ve come full circle. Both with the drugs and a cover version. Something blowing in my head, winter’s ice it soon will spread. You embrace the cold of winter and wallow too long, the sun in the spring won’t set you free.I get it. You’re trying to just get through this horrible, horrible winter. Drugs probably aren’t the answer, but what the hell do I know? I’m a physicist, not a doctor damn it. But I’m also a baby. I would know where to get coke even if I wanted it. Bourbon on the other hand. I know exactly where to get that. BTW it warms me up real nice and helps me through the cold winter’s night.
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.