U.P. Vertical Launch Spaceport Announced, Eastown Woman Worries It Will Scare Her Cockapoo

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MARQUETTE, MI – The Michigan Aerospace Manufactures Association (MAMA) announced a location north of Marquette is the perfect spot for a vertical space launch site, with space operations commencing in early 2025.

In truly Yooper tradition, plans are already underway for relocating “Big Gus” to the launch site.  Furthermore, there are plans in the works to repurpose “The World’s Largest Rifle” transport truck as a “Mobile Launch Platform”. Representative Jack Bergman, representing the 1st district, assured Michiganders that pasties and Christian Brothers brandy would be available at the spaceport cantina.

The location search was conducted by BPRH, spaceport consultants.  “I’m amazed dat der is work out der for ‘spaceport consultants’”, said local Elvind Olsen.  “It’s yust wonderful dat some geeks get paid fer all dat space crap.”  BPRH considered many factors in their site evaluation, including noise studies.

Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced that afternoon she will be issuing an executive order limiting rocket launches to the following dates and times to bring the launches in alignment with our existing fireworks laws and stifle economic growth as much as possible:

  • December 31 until 1:00 a.m. on January 1
  • The Saturday and Sunday before Memorial Day, until 11:45 p.m.
  • June 29 to July 4, until 11:45 p.m.
  • July 5, if it falls on a Friday or Saturday, until 11:45 p.m.
  • The Saturday and Sunday before Labor Day, until 11:45 p.m.