HARPER’S FERRY, WV – News of Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow and ushering in six more weeks of winter reached the small West Virginia town of Harper’s Ferry Tuesday afternoon. Residents were alarmed and shock that Pennsylvania residents would do something so ridiculous and inhumane to one of God’s creatures.
Local tallow renderer, Charlie Lucius, was speechless after the discovery. Eventually he found the words, “I can’t believe them yanks use them to tell the weather. We usually just look at the sky. I figure they must not have sky in Pennsylvania.”
Jessie Thomms, local washboard player, advised The Grand Beacon, “We usually just eat them. If I’d of known they had other uses I might not weigh this much. They’re damn fine eatin’.”
Jonathan is a degreed physicist and engineer by day, and amateur entertainer in the evenings. He enjoys studying and performing improvised comedy and writing sketch comedy. When he’s had enough of listening to people complain, you can find him underwater scuba diving where he can’t hear you. It’s like space. No one can hear you, but not because of a vacuum. No. It’s because you can’t talk. So it’s like space, but without the radiation and deadly aliens that burst out of your chest.